A Tale of a Problem-Solver
by Thick Soup
Summary: Nobody can't ever catch a break. (HP-SCP crossover)
1. chapter 1

The blank, white space was suddenly inhabited by someone.

That someone was a figure cloaked in flowing, black cloth, which seemed to flow and billow around like a living creature, despite there being no wind, or any other kind of force that would elicit that reaction, in the chamber.

The figure took a gold rimmed pocket watch from its left shirt pocket, and stared at the symbols swirling around behind its glass like a school of guppies that were trapped in an whirlpool of ethereal blue and purple.

"Any minute now..." The figure muttered to itself as it gently put the watch back into the pocket and bent its head down, giving the impression it was deep in thought.

A few short heartbeats later, a small humming sound started, seemingly from the centre of the room, and gradually filled the empty space within the white void with a noise that reminded the figure of vibrating metal.

As the humming reached its crescendo, the figure looked back up expectantly, and was not dissapointed as a clockwork monstrosity of gargantuan proportions crawled out from one of the infinite white points in the background.

The golem was a rusty-brown colour, comprised of gears and pulleys and other incomprehensible mechanisms, all turning and moving about to fulfil the purpose of the organs they were made to replicate, producing the humming sound aforementioned. The golem's spot of green in the middle of its forehead turned down towards the figure, who was looking at the massive compilation of brass in the centre of the golem's grotesque chest.

"Very... interesting," the figure said.

The golem gave off two long puffs of steam from the two holes beneath its luminescent eye.

"That sounds painful." The figure creaked its neck. "You've changed a lot, old friend."

The tower of scrap emmited a sound that reminded the figure of a snort, albeit in a snort from a entity of the size and mass of a religion.

"Heh. I see that your sense of humor hasn't changed a single bit after all these these millennias, though." The figure sighed, and shook its head condescendingly. "Pity."

Ignoring the high pitched whines coming from the machine, the figure took back out its watch and consulted it again, before blinking. "Oh dear."

The mechanical behemoth stopped its incessant complaining, and gave a questioning beep.

"Someone's been messing with time again." The figure sighed once more, put the instrument back into his pocket, and tilted its head to look into the tower of scrap's eye.

"Well, it's been nice, meeting you for the first time in five eons, nno matter how brief that time might have been." The figure stretched its hands out in front of it. An semi-transparent interface, filled with the same hieroglyphs as in the watch, manifested from between them.

As the figure read the readings on the screen, it said to the machine, "Well, I've got to be off soon. Say hello to the deer for me, tell Yahweh and the Scarlet child-rapist they're assholes, and help me ask Gautama for another game of chess."

The clockwork god gave out a deep whine, nodded its head, and, in a span of the same few heartbeats it took to arrive, disappeared, taking its constant Hum with it.

The figure, now alone in the empty opening, stared deeply into the interface. It then sighed.

"Well, it looks like I'm off to England."

An eyeliner later, the Grand Warlock known as Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore opened his eyes, and, from deep within those twinkling blue pupils, the Problem-Solver known as Nobody stared out into the hospital wing in Hogwarts of the Magical World of 1993.

 **End**

Just a concept I Wan-ted to mess with.

~Thick Soup


	2. Chapter chapter chapter chapter

_Boop._

 **Line break**

Headmaster Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore of Hogwarts, School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Order of Merlin, First Class, Supreme Mugwump of the International Confederation of Wizards, Chief Warlock of the British Wizengamot, was extremely disconcerted when the world he was perceiving shifted from the familiar sight of his office in Hogwarts to the less-familiar sight of total darkness.

He instinctively reached for his wand, stored usually in the space in between his spacious robes and his spindly arms, only to grasp at nothing.

Now **extremely** worried, he raised his magic, and pushed out a wisp of energy, which he took hold of and expertly spun into a node, before changing the property of the mana, causing it to start radiating light.

Light which did not reach his eyes.

Immediately, Albus reached out his senses, instantly feeling two things.

One was his body moving, apparently, of its own accord, to a destination he did not know.

The other was a presence standing in front of him, per say.

"Hello," Albus said calmly.

"Hello," replied Nobody.

The two stood silently, facing each other in Albus' mind, for some time.

"I suppose you're here for the wand?"

Albus felt Nobody recoil ever-so-slightly in surprise, and tried to push Nobody out of his head using that one moment of weakness.

The mental force generated would have bodied a Master Legilimens straight out of his brain, and the resulting force would have shut down said Master Legilimens' own mind.

The will met nobody, and blasted past nothing.

"Really, Albus?"

The Defeater of Grindlewald gave a mental shrug in return. "I had to try."

"I suppose you did. Regardless, I'm not here for the stick."

Dumbledore stared at nothing, and Nothing stared back. "No? Then why are you here?"

"Someone tampered with Time."

Albus' eyebrow wrinkled in confusion. "Physically?"

"Using a rather unstable space-time manipulation device comprised of silicon dioxide in four forms."

The wrinkle cleared. "A Time Turner."

"If that's what you call it."

They stood in silence for another indeterminate amount of time.

"How long do I have left." Albus broke the silence with a question that wasn't a question.

"Around three more cycles physically, I believe."

Albus nodded. "And you're sure I die from falling off the Astronomy Tower?"

"After Severus Snape hits you with an harmless Killing Curse that sends you flying off the edge, yes."

The More Famous Dumbledore nodded.

"Stop dwelling on this, Albus. You know it doesn't pay to do so."

Silence ensured as the old and frail body of an old and frail man moved hastily towards its target.

"So, how's my old stick working for you?"

"Very fine, thank you."

"That's good. That piece of cloth I found on my floor once still blending through the Darkness Between Dimensions?"

"I believe."

"Then what about that particularly nice skipping stone I threw over the Not? Found it yet?"

"No."

"That's good."

The two fell back into a stilled silence as the body they were inhabiting pulled into the hospital wing of the school.

"I've been meaning to ask."

"Yes?"

"What happens when someone finds all the trinkets you left behind?"

Nobody paused for a while at this question. "...Nothing, I suppose."

"You suppose?"

Albus felt his body's mouth move of its own accord, addressing the other entities in the sick room as Nobody replied. "Well, I never really designed for anything to happen when the three things owned by one person simutaniously, and it's never happened before, so who knows, really?"

"You do."

Nobody chuckled slightly at that rebuttal. "Why, yes, I suppose I do."

"Do they become you?"

"No. Oh gods, no." Nobody adjusted his Fedora slightly.

"Then... do you have to listen and comply to their demands?"

"No. Comply, no. Listen, I probably would do anyway, if they could **see** me. Probably would still help them with whatever they wanted if they had a good reason though."

"Does they lose the ability to die?"

"No. Of course not. That whole Master of Death thing is just something you imaginative humans came up with."

Albus felt a few disturbances in front of his body, and a few behind him.

"Well, that's done. Have a good one Albus."

Albus felt Nobody's mental presence lift slightly.

"Oh, and Albus?"

He looked at the Fedora(?) wearing nothing/something that wasn't ever anything ever anyhow maybe.

Nobody smiled sadly. "Don't let your grief consume you."

And with that, Albus was walking out of the hospital wing, with little to no inkling of how he got there, and with the Elder Wand feeling extremely cold under his robe sleeves.

 **Line break**

Just something I thought of, I think.


End file.
